But anon this changed and
I would catch the thoughts that should have been bent upon pious meditation
glancing backward with regretful longings at that life out of which I had
departed.
I would start up in a pious rage and cast out such thoughts by more
strenuous prayer and still more strenuous fasting. But as my body grew
accustomed to the discomforts to which it was subjected, my mind assumed a
rebellious freedom that clogged the work of purification upon which I
strove to engage it. My stomach out of its very emptiness conjured up evil
visions to torment me in the night, and with these I vainly wrestled until
I remembered the measures which Fra Gervasio told me that he had taken in
like case. I had then the happy inspiration to have recourse to the hair-
shirt, which hitherto I had dreaded.
It would be towards the end of October, as the days were growing colder,
that I first put on that armour against the shafts of Satan. It galled me
horribly and fretted my tender flesh at almost every movement; but so at
least, at the expense of the body, I won back to some peace of mind, and
the flesh, being quelled and subdued, no longer interposed its evil humours
to the purity I desired for my meditations.
For upwards of a month, then, the mild torture of the goat's-hair cilice
did the office I required of it.
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