I think that gave me a certain courage, for with what strength of body
and spirit I had left (though my heart was in my mouth still) I stepped
across the pavement and knocked at the door.
MEMORANDUM BY MARTIN CONRAD
My great-hearted, heroic little woman!
All this time I, in my vain belief that our expedition was of some
consequence to the world, was trying to comfort myself with the thought
that my darling must have heard of my safety.
But how could I imagine that she had hidden herself away in a mass of
humanity--which appears to be the most impenetrable depths into which a
human being can disappear?
How could I dream that, to the exclusion of all such interests as mine,
she was occupied day and night, night and day, with the joys and
sorrows, the raptures and fears of the mighty passion of Motherhood,
which seems to be the only thing in life that is really great and
eternal?
Above all, how could I believe that in London itself, in the heart of
the civilised and religious world, she was going through trials which
make mine, in the grim darkness of the Polar night, seem trivial and
easy?
It is all over now, and though, thank God, I did not know at the time
what was happening to my dear one at home, it is some comfort to me to
remember that I was acting exactly as if I did.
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