I have shivered with terror at this self-deception. The last few nights
I have hardly slept at all. A traveller must feel the same who sails
across the sea ignorant of the country to which he journeys. Vaguely he
pictures it as resembling his native land, and lands to find himself in
a wilderness which he must plant and cultivate until it blossoms with
his new desires and dreams. By the time he has turned the desert into a
home, his day is over....
* * * * *
If I could but make up my mind to burn that letter! I weigh it, first in
my right hand, then in my left. Sometimes its weight makes me happy;
sometimes it fills me with foreboding. Do the words weigh so heavy, or
only the paper?
Last night I held it close to the candle. But when the flame touched my
letter, I drew it quickly away.--It is all I have left to me now....
* * * * *
Richard writes to me that Malthe has been commissioned to build a great
hospital.
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