We can't go out and kill
half a duck."
Dr. C----, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract an
appendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserable
hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous
country girl. Said she:
"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver."
Said he:
"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"
"What's yours?"
"Coffee and rolls, my girl."
One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushed
over the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked under
the mug and over it.
"But where is the saucer?" he inquired.
"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin'
in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest
trade."
"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demanded
the waiter in the Central Park restaurant.
"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist.
"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," explained the
waiter.
CUSTOMER--"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike been
settled?"
WAITER--"What strike, sir?"
CUSTOMER--"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took my
order?"
AFFABLE WAITER--"How did you find that steak, sir?"
GUEST--"Oh, quite accidentally.
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